Inexplicably, my posts so far have been about fashion, leaving my strong love for decor unexplored. But not anymore! I'd like to start off my posts about interiors with a little exercise I like to call: Things I Hate. In college, I entertained some of my friends with a Things I Hate column that included barfy things like dried ketchup, Juicy Couture sweatsuits, overplucked eyebrows, hippies, split infinitives, the fact that the centuries and the corresponding years don't match (the 20th century= 1900s), overflowing garbage cans, trucker hats (hey, it was 2004), and the phrase "and what not." The tricky thing was trying not to write about things I thought my friends did or liked, so no feelings were hurt. Or was that the point? I forget. Anyway, this is a special interiors edition of Things I Hate, complete with photos to prove it. To the well-trained decor snob, some of them seem like obvious "don'ts," but all are ubiquitous in the land of bad taste and must be stopped. Disclaimer: don't get teary-eyed if the home you grew up in has one or more of these offensive pieces. We all make mistakes, and some of us make them for 20 plus years. Our parents want us to live better than they did, and that's why I wrote this. They are in no particular order.
1.
Ceiling Fans, and especially ones with lights. OH MY GOSH. I know that in certain places they actually serve a purpose, but that's what air conditioning is for. I recently moved to a warmer climate, and almost all apartments or houses that you look at contain these country disasters. Don't even get me started on the hanging chains. Besides making your ceilings look extra-low, how can you possibly integrate these eyesores into modern decor? You can't. Why? They're not modern by definition! In my mind, they're no more 21st century than having someone stand in your living room and fan you with a huge palm frond. And wouldn't that be chicer?
2.
Colored wall to wall carpet. In this phase of my life, I covet the wooden floor. But if you must have carpeting, for the love it had better be neutral. As a person without kids or messy animals, perhaps I am naive to think that light carpets are good idea, but there is no way you can convince me that something forest green or mauve should be sprawled across my floor, with no end in sight. I don't have a good reason besides "plain ugly" to back up my decree...but no matter, I know I'm right.
3.
Houseplants. I don't know how this one entered into my psyche so many years ago, but for some reason I've always known that I hated them. Maybe it's because they always look out of scale with the room, or too "wet" to be considered legitimate pieces of decor. I've also never loved green. Maybe it's their lack of order-- their leaves and branches reaching out all willy-nilly, or maybe it's the housewife that fancies herself a bit of a DIY interior designer and puts the cascading ivy above her cabinets/refrigerator/useless above-eye-level wall nook. Either way that reminds me of the cascade style wedding bouquet that is NEVER ok. Can't people be satisfied with an outdoor garden? There's plenty of photosynthesis to be had for plants in their natural habitat!
4.
Vertical Blinds. Aesthetic and mechanical nightmares.
5.
Shiny Brass. I can't even begin.
6.
Border Wallpaper. Usually, this one rears its ugly head in utility rooms like the laundry or bathroom. They are comprised of "cute" themes that incorporate some sort of floral motif, roosters or rabbits, or hearts. They make me feel like the walls are closing in on me. People who have wallpaper only along the border of the ceiling and the wall think that it adds some "pizazz" or "flair" to a room. These people are wrong.
7.
Faux textured walls. Another thing that people do to add "flair" to a room is pathetically sponge paint walls to look...well actually, I'm not sure what kind of look this is supposed to produce. If it's an "I'm queen of HGTV" look, or a "want to see my time-machine? It's set for 1980" look, then I guess it's dead-on. The whole accent wall thing is sham to begin with, and the sad part is that it would take less effort and look better just to have the wall a boring old shade of white. In 6th grade when I was channeling the whole Clueless 'tude, I came up with this gem: "If you can't look it, the worst thing you can do is fake it." Sure my friends thought I was a stuck-up b*tch, but then again, who got voted "best dressed?" Moi of course. That's right Jackie Savitt, everybody knows that your "KSwiss" were Payless, and Justin Scarr would have been mine if you hadn't proclaimed to the entire class that you wanted to be a stripper when you grew up. Wait, I feel like we were talking about something else. Oh yeah, my old adage. It applies to purses, and it applies to walls. Faux texture = REAL ugly.
8.
Those wooden signs that say things like "Hand over the chocolate and nobody gets hurt." Did we really need bumper stickers to venture indoors? Found frequently in kitchens, bathrooms and living rooms, these bits of "whimsy" are more than a bit annoying and tasteless. They just seem so provincial...so warm and down to earth...the LAST thing you want in your household decor. What's next: family photos? Next time you're driving and you see someone with a license plate holder that says: "I'm the princess, who are you?" Remember that you should be keeping your eyes on the road for goodness sake! And that you can avoid a head-on collision with tacky if you ban sayings like these from your walls, and occasionally (in extreme cases) accent pillows.
9.
Bad wrought iron. If it comes in the form of a dinette set, bathroom storage unit, or large flat decorative wall hanging, you can be sure that it's probably bad wrought iron. BWI is recognizable by it's smooth texture, rounded ends, and often faux painted finish. If it comes from anywhere other than a design center, then you can be almost positive it's BWI. Be safe and only buy vintage...you could already be an offender!
10.
Bowl shaped floor lamps. Black metal, shiny brass or chrome, this floor lamp is most likely to be found in dorm rooms and Mcmansions across America:
Only a picture could suffice to exhibit my "Most Hated Sorry Excuse for Lighting" piece of all time. I imagine in the '90s when everything was all American Psycho and minimalist, someone thought these would fit the bill. Trends are cyclical you know, so I guess we were due for it to come around again. We last saw this shape in some of the world's most beautiful palaces and villas...except we aren't talking bulbs people, we're talking fire and oil. Yes, picture a flame coming up out of the top of the bowl shape, and you've got a bonafide torchiere fit for Cleopatra herself. While she like, invented mascara and all...I don't think we should be taking decor advice from mummies.
11. I tried to keep it down to ten Things I Hate-- it's a nice round number, and we all have short attention spans. I have more, but I will regale you with them another time. My last rant isn't necessarily about a piece of furniture, but it's about homes so it applies.
I Hate being asked to take off my shoes at someone else's house. I get that floors take a beating, and you can fling off your flip-flops as soon as you walk through your own door, but I'll fight you if you ask me to follow suit. Do you think I just took the scenic route from my car and traipsed through a marsh to get to your doorstep? Do you not own a vacuum? My ensembles rarely incorporate my gardening boots (I don't even own any to begin with), but always incorporate shoes as a key element. It's creepy to look at other people's feet. I almost never wear shoes that warrant socks, so this leaves me barefoot. Is that really better than having my shoes taint your carpet remnants? Is nothing sacred anymore? Kids may remove their shoes after a long day at play, but as a graduate of childhood, I think I've earned the right to keep my kicks.
